Graduate Life

No Longer Entertaining BS!

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in recent months it is to not entertain anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. As a people pleaser, I’ve spent my life trying to ensure that other people are put before myself. But other people don’t always do the same for me. 

So what if I became one of those selfish people. Those horrible people who put themselves first. Well I did and it’s brilliant.

Setting Boundaries

Now, before I go too far, I do realise there is a difference between looking after yourself and being completely ignorant. I still do things for people selflessly and without gain, however, I’ve stopped allowing other people’s feelings to dictate my life direction.

Simply put, it’s setting boundaries. I’ve realised that it’s absolutely okay to say no to people. To not allow people into my social life. To keep certain aspects of my life separate to others. 

“So how do boundaries equate to cutting the BS?” I hear you ask. Well, isn’t that that question  that we’re all desperate to hear the answer to. In my opinion, anything that makes you feel happier and more comfortable in your own life without personally affecting others is okay. You have the right to enjoy your life without having to accommodate other people who have very little to do with it. 

Relationships and Boundaries

The most important boundaries that I began to set for myself are ones associated with relationships, especially dating. I am still in the process of understanding how to handle men in the real world because, let’s face it, when a woman says no to a man’s face, it can have terrifying consequences. However, when it comes to online, we have more power to set our own boundaries.

I know that I personally do not appreciate being DM’d by men that I know trying to flirt with me. I used to allow it to happen and would feel bad for wanting to block them. But then, I realised how ridiculous I was being. Never allow yourself to feel uncomfortable in your own home through that tiny device that sits in your hand. If someone is creating an uncomfortable atmosphere, you can block them. If someone angers or upsets you… why are you allowing that energy into your spare time?

But it’s not always about dating. Any relationship you have, romantic or otherwise, you are allowed to set boundaries for in order to not entertain BS. If a friend begins to make you feel guilty for not enjoying something, this is when boundaries need to be set. Most friendships are build on having common morals and hobbies, so what happens when these start to differ? Whilst one friend may enjoy going out whereas the other prefers staying in, neither of them should have to change their preference to accommodate each other. Whilst most people may immediately assume that the one staying home is the one setting the boundaries, this doesn’t have to be the case. You should go out and enjoy yourself if that’s what you like to do and vice versa. Don’t let anyone’s opinions on your lifestyle affect how you live. (Unless you’re in danger etc etc). There is no right or wrong way to live our lives, only right and wrong ways to treat each other and ourselves.

I also want to briefly talk about professional relationships. In almost every job I’ve worked in, I’ve felt intense social pressure to act a certain way. Once I started to accept that I was different and that I didn’t enjoy the same things as my colleagues, I was happier inside but it made working relationships very difficult. So that’s when I started reflecting. Was I being selfish by putting my wants and needs first?

Self Reflection

I initially wrote that I “don’t care” what people think of me anymore but that would have been a lie. I do care what other people think of me, but if someone has a negative opinion of me then I just have to accept it because if I change something it’ll only mean changing a part of me.

It’s taken moments of reflection to get to this point, accepting that what will be will be. When someone perceives me negatively, it’s important not to take it to heart but to reflect on why they might have that opinion. Is it an appropriate opinion to have? Maybe. Is the part of me they dislike offensive? Hopefully not. And if I’m not offensive, then I think it’s safe to say that it’s a matter of opinion and I’m not obliged to change my personality to accommodate them and I just have to move on. Maybe there are moments I could have handled differently to affect people’s views on me. But ultimately, I cannot change those moments, all I can do is reflect and move forwards.

Your life is yours and you’re not obliged to allow anyone into it or to change it. It is okay to deny someone’s request. Yes you might seem rude, but you’ve got to accept that consequence if you want to live the way you wish.

Acceptance

I guess the whole reason for this post is to share my opinion as an adult in this arena. I’m fairly tired of feeling as though I have to ‘keep up appearances’ because it feels like I’m living for other people’s validation rather than for myself. I’ve been called a myriad of things in the past and instead of trying to change how I live in order to not be labelled a certain way, I’m just living. It’s taken a long time to get to this point of acceptance, but I really hope that by sharing my thoughts, other’s might start to live for themselves too and stop entertaining the BS!